A journey into the heart of darkness

It’s not always easy to see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I’ve been travelling for almost a year and now I find myself in a dark place where setbacks seem to be piling up and where the consequences of my choices from the past are becoming vissible. It has become clear that my life will never be the same again and I can’t go back to the way it was.

It feels like something inside of me is about to die and make room for something entirely new. Fear, doubt and insecurity are more present in daily life now and it forces me to open up and let vulnerability and truth in. Not the truth how I want it to be but the truth how it really is. The truth that surpasses shame and the opinions of other people.

There were times I wasn’t completely honest with myself and held back from telling the truth. Afraid of what others might think or at least what I thought others might think.

So here I find myself on the dark path of my journey surrounded with a wheelbarrel of problems disguised as challenges and obstacles. Many thoughts have passed my mind about the past, sometimes filled with regret and sadness. And when I look at the future I can’t help feeling the hot breath of a dragon in my neck.

The truth is that I can’t change the past and I don’t have any idea how my future will look. But what I do have is the here and now. An oceanview appartment with only a two minute walk to the beach where I take long walks every day in the bright blue sky where the sun is shining. Hardly any people around and the absence of well meant ‘advice’ from family and friends or other distractions. Plenty of time to think, do online courses, read books and set new records of binge watching Netflix series. I guess there are worst places to have the blues.

I also realised that the only thing that will create a better tomorrow is what I do in the here and now. The seeds I plant today will determine the flowers or weeds for the future. It’s so much easier to feel bad about the situation and contemplate on how I got there but that will not improve my situation or change my future. Besides, who cares how I got there? There is nothing more I can do about it. It’s better to focus on making it better.
So I say goodbye to being the victim, feeling sorry for myself and instead I cowboy the fuck up, get back on my horse and take the path less travelled into a new chapter of this crazy adventure we call life.

Somehow the bad things always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.

Much love,